I received an email from a reader who said it is wrong of me to write about my indiscretion with Michael while he was engaged. “Who are you to reveal on your blog, a secret that if discovered, could destroy a marriage?” she asked. “If you don’t want revenge as you say, why not enjoy your personal victory and be quiet about it? You are not an innocent party to the situation,”
I thought about this…for a while. You see - I asked myself this question in 2004 when I created Sexkitten and decided to document my life. I understood then, that by telling my story, I was also telling that of the people who share my life. The solution, I thought was to write under a pseudonym, and for those I write about, I have used various methods to mask their identity. My friends know that I write about them, as do most of my lovers. Michael knows that I have this blog – though I’m not sure how much of it, if any, he reads –
And so, the email from my reader brought back the old question... is it my responsibility to protect the secrets of the people I write about, or do I have the rights to the role they play in my life story?
It is not my wish to inflict public embarrassment on anyone, nor do I have any desire to destroy Michael’s marriage. I am indifferent - an indifference that is still a conundrum to Ally who find my lack of response and emotion disturbing. She's been calling me not just a pussy - but a royal pussy - for retreating from the situation like a mouse with stolen goodies at a dinner party.
It's not that I don't care for Michael, I cared about him deeply, but I've already shared my belief that love is a choice and that I love with conditions. I cannot and will not love a man who lies to me, cheats, deceives, use, misuse and abuse me in any manner. I find Michael's failure to disclose that he had gotten engaged while still coming to my bed deplorable. So I assessed, processed, and placed the situation in its proper perspective - and decided that my emotions were better spent on other things than trying to figure out how we ended up here. I decided too, that I was not going to allow our ending to define our entire relationship. I'm keeping my good memories of us -
Ally wants me to turn a small scratch into a fatal wound. I will not. People do things you never thought they would, and turn out not to be who you believe them to be all the time, and there's nothing that we can do about it. Instead of becoming angry, bitter and hateful, I changed my thinking, adapted, and moved on.
If by some small chance my revelation here is found, it is not the information that will be damaging, it will be Michael's deception, and for that I am not responsible. As adults, we are accountable for our actions and the consequences.
Khalil Gibran said, “We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.”
What clearer indication could Michael have had that he was choosing sorrow than asking a woman to marry him - and while she planned their wedding - he had his face and his cock between my legs?
When we were hooking up, I was under the impression that we were both casually dating other people. We've always had a sexually fulfilling relationship - I won't lie, and fucking him made sense to me at the time, even the revenge sex part. But if he had told me that he was engaged, I would have sent him away.
I did not ask, nor do I care to be the secret he hopes does not become known. I tell you this...choosing me to be a skeleton in your closet is a bad idea. I don't hide well. My heart is splattered all over these pages. This is where I come to empty my mind. I am exposed. And I can't promise that I will always write from the shadows. Emile Zola said, “If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud,” No truer words has ever been spoken of the way I live.
And so, dear reader, I thank you for the email - I get your point. I know that I am not an innocent party in this situation. I will be the first to say that I am flawed. My life is full of choices - some have had severe consequences - yet I will not call them mistakes. My revenge sex thinking was not one of my finest moments, and I’ve taken my beating for it. I do not derive any personal victory here – just disappointment and deep sadness for the part that I unwittingly played. And for Michael, that he chose to be the kind of person who could treat himself and two women in his life with such disregard.
I will continue to tell my story. If my footprints crosses path with someone on my journey here, and they make enough of an impact on my life, I may write about them. I am not the protector of Michael’s or anyone’s secrets and deceptions. I am a story-teller.
"There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you."
~ Maya Angelou ~